


Can't Help It

by emmis_slemmis



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Cheating, EXTREMELY SLOW UPDATES, Implied Sexual Content, Josh is a creep in general, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Stalking, joshua is a creep in the first chapter, other characters to be added - Freeform, sorry - Freeform, suuuper vague smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-15 21:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9257168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmis_slemmis/pseuds/emmis_slemmis
Summary: Joshua knows that this is wrong. He knows that he shouldn't be doing this. But he doesn't care. Jeonghan is impossible to resist.(This, like my other chaptered fic, will only be written on when inspiration hits me, and there may be many months between updates.)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This fanfic does not in any way reflect my beliefs or values, and many actions taken by the characters are not okay (at all).

Clubs aren’t really Joshua’s scene. He isn’t a fan of the loud music and close proximity to strangers. He doesn’t drink, either. Normally he wouldn’t go to a club like this, especially not on own initiative. But tonight he is on a mission. He knows what he wants. He wants to see  _ him _ .

 

Maybe going somewhere in hopes of seeing a person you’ve seen only once is weird. It probably is. Normally Joshua would think so, too. But this person, oh god. He can’t get him out of his head. It has been exactly a week since he saw him, at exactly this same location. And he doesn’t even know if he will be here. But it’s the only hope he has to see him again. Joshua was stupid enough not to ask the stranger for a number, an address, nothing. He didn’t even get a name.

 

Joshua feels like a creep. Stalking in a nightclub, in hopes of finding a man he has met once. But he can’t help it. When the man approached him, exactly a week ago, he knew at once that he was special. Not only had the man been the arguably most stunningly attractive person he has ever met. There was something about him, something Joshua can’t quite put his finger on, something that rendered him completely speechless.

 

He had remained speechless throughout that whole night. He hadn’t said a word as they danced together,  _ so close _ , not a word in the cab to his apartment, not a word as the stranger writhed beneath him, waking up all his neighbors. It had all seemed almost surreal, so fantastical, that when Joshua woke up to an empty bed the morning after, he wasn’t sure if it had been a dream. However, he knew it had been real when he found a note on his fridge from the stranger, apologizing for leaving so early and thanking him for the soda.

 

And now, here he is. In a club, dripping with sweat and covering his ears, in the same club he had been dragged to a week ago. And then, he sees him. He looks different now, the hair that was long and blonde last week is now a darker color, it’s impossible to tell which in the colored light, and reaches only down to his jaw at the longest part. He still recognizes him immediately, though. It’s impossible not to. Because not only is his face impossibly beautiful, but the aura he exudes is so powerful, so demanding. It draws your attention like  _ that _ .

 

All of a sudden, Joshua doesn’t care if he’s being creepy. He doesn’t care that he doesn’t even know the name of this person, that they have only met once. He needs to talk to him. Now.

 

The stranger is talking to someone, a girl, but Joshua doesn’t bother even looking at her. His eyes are nailed to the guy’s head, and it’s only a matter of seconds before he is standing next to him, arm on his shoulder, and shooting the girl an apologetic look. The girl looks confused, eyebrows furrowed and mouth slightly open. The guy, though, only raises his eyebrows and follows Joshua as he drags him outside.

 

The air outside the club is cold, nearly freezing, but the lighting here is better than inside. Joshua sees now that the stranger’s hair is dark brown. It suits him, brings out his eyes. Makes him look younger.

 

“Joshua,” the stranger calls him, and although Joshua can’t remember telling him his name, he doesn’t really care about that right now. “What’s up?”

 

Joshua almost wants to laugh, because the guy is acting so casual, way too casual for someone who was just dragged away by someone he had a one-night stand with a week ago. But he doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t react at all, until he realizes that he has been staring and the stranger probably wants him to.

 

Joshua wants to tell him that he hasn’t thought about anything else since they were together, wants to ask him to be his. But that would be a weird first thing to say to someone, so he doesn’t.

 

“What’s your name?” he asks instead, and his heart beats just a little bit louder as the stranger smiles, eyes lit up with amusement.

 

“My name is Jeonghan,” the stranger, Jeonghan, answers him, and Joshua can’t help but think about how fitting the name is. It’s just like Jeonghan himself; pretty, but handsome; hard, but soft.

Joshua doesn’t know what to say next, he realizes. He hadn’t thought this through in terms of action, he had only planned for what he wanted to happen. And sadly, Jeonghan doesn’t seem like he is about to jump into Joshua’s arms and kiss him just yet.

A few moments pass as Joshua tries to conjure up an intelligent sentence, and Jeonghan looks more and more uncomfortable each second. Eventually, Jeonghan sighs and straightens his back.

“Look, if you’re not going to say anything, I should really get back inside. It was nice seeing you again, Joshua,” Jeonghan tells him with a smile before he starts making his way past Joshua.

All of a sudden, Joshua panics. He can’t let Jeonghan disappear again. This past week nearly killed him; every moment filled with memories of round eyes and cherry lips. Every waking hour brought him more and more agony, more need to see Jeonghan again, to hear him,  _ feel him _ . Without thinking he turns on his heel and grabs Jeonghan’s wrist, stopping him in his step. Jeonghan’s face is shocked, eyes wide and bright.  _ Beautiful _ .

“Go out with me.”

Jeonghan’s eyes widen even further and his jaw falls open. Joshua quickly realizes what he just said, and regrets it immediately. However, he doesn’t take it back, doesn’t let go of Jeonghan’s wrist. On the contrary, he adds an unsure  _ please _ , as if it’s going to help him.

Jeonghan’s eyes return somewhat to their normal size, just a tiny bit wide still, and shakes himself loose from Joshua’s grip. “Look, Joshua,” he starts, brows furrowed and eyes looking into Joshua’s own, “You seem like a really sweet guy, and I had a really good time that night. But I can’t be in a relationship right now.”

Joshua feels his heart break as he stares into Jeonghan’s eyes. He’s not sure what he expected from such a sudden request to someone he doesn’t know anything about. But it wasn’t this. He should have expected it; it was the only normal response Jeonghan could have given. But for some reason, it feels so out of the blue.

“Please,” he pleads again, and he isn’t normally this persistent, but for some reason he can’t let Jeonghan walk away. His brain screams at him to stop, this is wrong and it’s weird and it’s creepy, but he can’t. Jeonghan only looks more weirded out than before and he shakes his head firmly, telling him  _ no _ yet again.

Joshua can feel tears building in his eyes, and he is getting angry with himself, because this is weird,  _ You’re being weird, Joshua! _ But he can’t stop himself, has no control over his body and mouth anymore. “Why not?”

Joshua wants to hit himself, even more so when he sees how uncomfortable Jeonghan looks. He doesn’t want to act this way, he usually hates it when people just won’t take a  _ no _ , but his feeling are taking complete control over him right now, and his feelings are telling  _ to not let Jeonghan go _ .

He doesn’t know why his feelings are behaving the way they are, either. They shouldn’t be, especially not to someone he has only met twice, and had one super weird conversation with. He’s had boyfriends he’s let go easier than this before!

Jeonghan sighs, and looks away from him. When he looks back, his eyes are aflame, angry and confused and frustrated, and they more beautiful than ever.

“I’m married, Joshua.”

Jeonghan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wallet. He searches inside the wallet for a while before he produces a ring, a simple gold band. Joshua doesn’t know what to feel. He feels sad, obviously. He also feels just a smidgen of relief, for some reason. But most of all, weirdly, he feels like he’s not ready to give up. His head is filled with thoughts like ‘ _ I can get him a better ring than that _ ’, and even though he knows it’s wrong, knows it’s completely against his moral code to try to woo a married man, he finds that he listens to that voice, the one that tells him not to give up.

It is a long while before either of them speak again, and Joshua’s mind is working at miles per minute. He ends up pulling his phone out of his jeans and handing it over to Jeonghan, before burying his hands in his pockets, as if he’s giving a sign of defeat. “Can I at least get your number? So we can be friends?”

Jeonghan looks at him with probably the most frustrated expression on his face, and Joshua only gives him a sheepish grin in return. Jeonghan shakes his head before tapping his number into Joshua’s phone. He hands Joshua his phone back, a bit aggressively maybe, and turns around to walk back into the club. Joshua absently wonders if Jeonghan gave him his number just to get him to stop, but right now, he doesn’t care.

_ I’ve got him. _


	2. Friends

Joshua’s bed is probably his favorite place in the whole world. The mattress is just soft enough to be comfortable, but not so soft he feels like he’s drowning. His pillows are probably the fluffiest in the entire universe, but not so much so that they form craters from his head. His sheets are so soft and warm, and it feels like he sleeps in the embrace of a bear. He also made sure the colors go with the rest of the room, clean white and dark ivory.

 

He buries his face in one of his pillows, the one he uses the most and smells of his hair by now, and sighs contently. He just woke up a second ago, easily and by the bright light of Sunday morning sun. The bright sunlight streaming through the windows on the right hand wall of him illuminates the room in the morning even though all lamps are turned off.

 

Joshua lets himself lay in silence for a while, just him and his bed, waking up. When a couple of minutes have passed and he feels like he has to get up, he rolls over and reaches over for his phone, loading on his bedside table. The screen light up and shows the time. 10:23. A little later than he usually wakes up, but the sun rises later in winter, he guesses. Usually he will wake up early, preferably around nine, so he will have a lot of time for showering, eating and getting himself ready for work. It’s no problem, though, he doesn’t start work before twelve.

 

He opens his phone to catch up on everything that happened while he was asleep. Not much, it looks like. A few notifications from twitter, a text from his first student saying that she won’t be able to make it to todays lesson. Joshua doesn’t mind. It just gives him an extra hour to ready himself for the day.  However, his good mood makes a U-turn when locks his phone again and puts it back down on the table, screen down. A small scratch is on the back cover.

 

It’s a small scratch, probably not all that noticeable, but for Joshua, it shines. He feels like it’s mocking him, because he cannot for the life of him remember where it might come from. He is always very careful with his phone, it’s important to him and he really can’t afford to buy a new one if this one breaks. So he just sits, upright, on the edge of his bed for minutes, digging deeper and deeper into his memory to remember where that scratch comes from.

 

And then he remembers. He remembers last night. The club. His panic.  _ Jeonghan _ .

 

Regret overcomes him as he remembers what happened last night. The way he wouldn’t let Jeonghan get away, how creeped out Jeonghan had looked. The ring Jeonghan had shown him. And how, even though he tried to make it seem different on the outside, wouldn’t accept it.

 

_ I still won’t. _

 

God, what was he  _ thinking _ ? Jeonghan is married! Even if he wasn’t, that wouldn’t mean he would ever like Joshua. Just because he slept with him once, that doesn’t mean he would ever do it again.

 

_ I could make him like me, though. _

 

Joshua wants to be disgusted with himself, he wants to stop this train of thought right here. All his life he has been so steadfast in his belief that this kind of behavior is  _ wrong _ , that you should always respect what the object of your flirtations say.

 

But… Should he really? Jeonghan is married, yes, bur happily? He has cheated, multiple times judging by the girl he was flirting with at the club. He even goes as far as to hide his ring in his wallet! Speaking of the ring, it was pretty plain and boring. Jeonghan’s spouse is probably really cheap and unromantic, probably doesn’t give him half the attention and love he deserves.

 

_ I could treat him better. _

 

Joshua keeps telling himself to stop thinking this way, but it’s true, right? Jeonghan obviously isn’t happy, which he so absolutely deserves to be.

 

So, Joshua decides that he’s going to make him just that. Happy. He’s going to save Jeonghan from whoever is stupid enough to throw away such a beautiful soul. Even if it kills him, Jeonghan will be happy. Safe. Loved.  

 

“So, let me see if I’ve got this right; You slept with a guy once, somehow fell in love with him over a week, stalked him at a club, found out he’s married and now you’re planning to brainwash him to leave his spouse and date you?”

 

The way Seungcheol is looking at him is hard to describe. It’s sort of a mix between incredulous and confused, with just a pinch of disappointment. They’re both seated on the couch in the middle of Joshua’s living room, leaning against both armrests so that they’re facing each other. Joshua called Seungcheol about an hour ago, asking him to come over so they could talk, and so he could ask him for advice regarding the whole Jeonghan-situation.

 

Joshua doubts himself for a moment. It does sound bad when Seungcheol says it like that, and he starts to wonder if he’s really doing the right thing here.

 

_ He deserves better. _

 

“You don’t understand, Seungcheol. He’s not happy. I’m just trying to save him from a life he shouldn’t be leading.”

 

Seungcheol just looks at him like he’s crazy, and Joshua understands. He gets how weird this must seem to someone who doesn’t know the situation.

 

_ Someone who doesn’t know Jeonghan. _

 

Well, it’s not like Joshua knows Jeonghan all that well, either.

 

_ We’re soulmates. _

 

Right. They don’t need to have spent a lot of time together, because he and Jeonghan are connected. On a spiritual level. Absolutely.

 

“He cheats, Seungcheol,” Joshua starts, making Seungcheol look up at him from where he was previously burying his face in his hands. “He hides his ring and picks up strangers from clubs. I bet he’s having a horrible time with his spouse, they’re probably old and selfish and… and mean!”

 

Seungcheol still looks skeptical, like he is getting closer to being on Joshua’s side but is still kind of against what Joshua is set out to do. His eyes are narrowed and his lips are pressed in a tight line. After a while it seems like he relents, and he runs a hand through his hair while sighing.

 

It takes a moment before Seungcheol speaks, and Joshua guesses that he is trying to find a good way to express himself. “Even so, even if he is unhappy, do you really think this is a good idea, Josh? I mean, I’m thinking about you here. The guy is a cheater, wouldn’t he cheat on you as well?”

 

The thought hadn’t even crossed Joshua’s mind. He supposes that there is a possibility that when they do end up together, Jeonghan won’t stop a bad habit. Now that he thinks about it, it does kind of scare him. He’s already so smitten with Jeonghan, having him cheat on him would be crushing.

 

_ He won’t. I’ll make sure of it. _

 

_ Stop it. You’re scaring me. _

 

He decides to think about this some other time. When the problem arises. Hopefully never.

 

Seungcheol nudges him and he realizes he has probably been silent for a while. He smiles at Seungcheol reassuringly and rises from his seat. Seungcheol follows him into the kitchen and helps Joshua place their used cups in the dishwasher before turning it on.

 

Before long they are standing in Joshua’s doorway, Seungcheol struggling slightly with his shoes and Joshua laughing at him. When Seungcheol is just about to open the door and leave he turns to Joshua with a sudden serious expression on his face. He tugs Joshua into a quick, one armed hug, and pats him on the shoulder as he pulls away and looks him in the eye.

 

“I really wish you wouldn’t do this, Josh. Not only is it kind of creepy, but I’m also worried about you, man. I’ve never seen you like this before, and I don’t know if it’s healthy.”

 

Joshua frowns, but it soon melts into a smile. It’s soft and dreamy, and that’s just how Joshua feels. “I’m in love, Seungcheol.”

 

Seungcheol looks like he has given up. He sighs (again), and gives Joshua a tired smile. “Just be careful, yeah?”

 

 

 

**_Joshua_ **

_ 18:36 _

_ Hey, it’s Joshua! _

_ I just wanted to apologize for last night. _

_ Can we meet? _

 

**_Jeonghan_ **

_ 18:40 _

_ Text me your address _

 

**_Joshua_ **

_ 18:41 _

_ [Link: Google maps] _

 

**_Jeonghan_ **

_ 18:43 _

_ Be there in 10 _

 

Well, that was easy. To be totally honest, Joshua hadn’t expected Jeonghan to agree to meet him that quick. After last night, he had been sure that he had had to work hard and long on convincing Jeonghan to come. He is glad he didn’t need to, though. That must be a sign, a sign that Jeonghan actually does want to meet him. That he’s not all  _ that _ creepy. Right?

 

Anyway, Jeonghan will be there in ten minutes. Ten minutes. Joshua’s place is a dump. Even if they sit only in the living room, which they will, it’s still horribly messy. Clothes are hanging of the back of the couch, there are books and candy wrappers strewn all over the coffee table and he can’t even remember the last time he dusted the place. 

 

So, ten minutes pass by, way too quickly. With Joshua running around his apartment, making sure his living room is absolutely spotless. Clothes are thrown on his bed, garbage is in the trash and books in the bookshelf, and as he has just finished exterminating every single speck of dust, the doorbell rings. The ring is followed by three impatient knocks, and Joshua trips over his feet  in running towards the door.

 

It’s the first time he has seen Jeonghan in full lighting, and  _ god _ , he looks more stunning than ever. He looks down at Joshua, just slightly taller, and his eyes sparkle in recognition. Joshua gaze tears away from Jeonghan’s and slides down his face, down his straight and pointed nose, all the way down to his pink, puckered lips.

 

_ Outstanding. _

 

For the second time since he met Jeonghan again he realizes that he is staring and not saying anything. Jeonghan also looks slightly uncomfortable, just like he did last night, so Joshua clears his throat and moves so that Jeonghan can go inside.

 

Jeonghan uses his sweet time in going inside and undressing, and it feels like hours before he has gotten his coat and shoes off. However, when he does and he stands upright to face Joshua, it’s clear that they are now more or less the same height, maybe he even is a little shorted than Joshua. Maybe. And Joshua loves that, he can’t stop the grin that breaks out on his face.

 

Jeonghan looks at him curiously and goes to sit down on the couch. He turns around, checking out the place, before turning back to Joshua with an expectant look. So Joshua follows him and sits down, making sure that he’s not too close. He wants to apologize, after all. He wants Jeonghan to trust him. To be comfortable around him.

 

“You wanted to talk,” Jeonghan helps him along when Joshua yet again can’t find the words. Joshua has never been the best at knowing exactly what to say at exactly the right time, but it’s even more apparent when Jeonghan is around.

 

“Yeah. I uhm… I just wanted to apologize. For the way I acted last night. I must have creeped you out. I’m not usually like that, I swear! I just… I don’t know… Since that night, I just haven’t been able to get you out of my mind.”

 

Jeonghan looks more relaxed now. His posture has sloped, just a little bit, and the faintest of smiles rest on the corners of his lips.

 

_ Beautiful lips. _

 

“Okay, I forgive you,” Jeonghan starts, and honestly, Joshua has never  _ ever _ felt more relieved. “But still, I’m in a relationship. I can’t go out with you.”

 

And something inside Joshua stirs, wants to yell at Jeonghan, ask him  _ Why not? _ He doesn’t let it show, however, only smiles in what he hopes looks like understanding. It’s not the end of the world.

 

_ It doesn’t mean I’ll give up. _

 

So he keeps the understanding smile on his face and slumps his shoulders with his hands in his lap, so as to look as harmless as possible. Which he is. “I understand. Can we still be friends though? As long as you’re not still creeped out, of course.”

 

Jeonghan smile widens, and Joshua swears his heart skips a beat. That sounds cheesy, but what is love if not cheesy?

 

“Yeah, sure! To be honest, if I wasn’t married, you would be exactly my type. Don’t get any ideas, though!” Jeonghan teases, and even though Joshua knows he’s not being serious and laughs like he is supposed to, it doesn’t stop his hopes from rising sky high.

 

Jeonghan doesn’t stay long. They don’t have much time to talk about anything else before he states that he has to go home. Something about his husband (Joshua is so happy it’s a man, that will make all of this so much easier) needing him for something. Joshua walks him out and is surprised when Jeonghan gives him a hug goodbye. He didn’t expect Jeonghan to warm up to him this quickly and wonders for a second if there is something behind, if he should be worried.

 

_ He’s clearly asking for help. He wants me. _

 

Right, that’s what this is about, right? Saving Jeonghan. Making him fall for Joshua. Someone who can treat him right.

 

The moment Jeonghan has passed Joshua’s field of view and he can’t see him anymore, he dials Seungcheol. Seungcheol barely has time to say hello before Joshua tells him all about their conversation, all about Jeonghan agreeing to be friends and how he confessed to Joshua being just his type.

 

_ “That’s great and all, Josh, but the guy is still married. I still think this is a bad idea,”  _ Seungcheol’s voice is crinkly over the phone, but Joshua can still hear the worry in his voice. And yes, he does understand where he is coming from, but it sparks just a little bit of annoyance inside him. He ignores it, though.

 

“Just wait Seungcheol. He’s miserable, I know it. It’s only a matter of time before he comes crawling to me, begging me to free him,”  _ and to claim him as mine _ , he almost adds, but stops himself. That’s not something he would say. Not something he should say.

 

_ I want to say it, though. _

 

Whatever. That’s not how he thinks. He just wants Jeonghan to be happy. Preferably happy together with him. But that’s not important. Not to him.

 

Joshua goes to sleep early that night. It has been a long and weird day, and he needs to clear his head. However, the only thing in his head is Jeonghan. Even as he finally falls asleep it’s the same way it has been every night for the past week. To the memory of Jeonghan, begging for  _ Joshua _ , crying out  _ Joshua’s _ name. Like how it should be. How it will be.


	3. Worry

The first thing Joshua does Monday morning is text Jeonghan.

****

**_Joshua_ **

09:14

Good morning :)

 

 Jeonghan doesn’t answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 Joshua is freaking out. It’s been two hours since he messaged Jeonghan, and he still hasn’t answered. He hasn’t even seen it. Thousands of thoughts flying through his head; did something happen to him? Is he sick? Hurt? Did someone steal his phone? Is he sleeping with someone?

_He wouldn’t._

 

He’s tried calling him four times during these two hours, and each time Jeonghan doesn’t answer, his worry only grows. He tries thinking about something else. He cleans his apartment so it will be nice when his students show up, he makes tea and even watches a bad reality TV-show. However, nothing works to distract him.

 

His thoughts just keep flying back to Jeonghan.

 

He just wanted to send his crush a sweet ‘good morning’ text, and this is what he ends up with. Mountains of worry.

 

He’s so deep in thought that when his phone vibrates in his hands, he jumps. He has probably never answered a phone call as quickly as he does when he sees Jeonghan’s name flash on the screen.

 

“Hello? Who is this?” Jeonghan greets before he can ask him _What the hell is going on, are you okay?_

 

“It’s Joshua,” Jeonghan makes an _oh_ sound on the other end, and it dawns on Joshua that he hasn’t given Jeonghan his number. “I just… Are you all right? You haven’t responded to any of my calls.”

 

“I was asleep.”

 

Of course. He should have thought of that. It’s still morning. Even if it’s Monday. He’s not at work, so why would Jeonghan be?

 

His mind is racing, trying to conjure up a tangible reason for calling. He doesn’t want to say he was worried Jeonghan was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. He wants him to like him, after all. He doesn’t want to seem stupid, or paranoid.

 

He clears his throat. “I just wondered if you wanted to meet today or something. I start work at two.”

 

Jeonghan makes a sound that’s somewhere between a hum and a groan. Joshua can’t help but feel horrible for possibly waking Jeonghan, if not waking him up then making him think this early in the morning.

 

“I don’t know. I would love to get to know you more, Josh, but my whole body is kind of aching. Also, I don’t really know where I am right now.”

 

Joshua frowns. How can Jeonghan not know where he is? Why is he hurting? Worry swells in him, and his voice is slightly panicked as he questions Jeonghan. “What do you mean you don’t know where you are? Did something happen? I’ll come for you, just tell me what you see!”

 

“Chill, dude. I’m fine, nothing’s happened. I’m with at some girl’s place, someone I met last night. I’m just hungover,” Jeonghan laughs, and although Joshua is relieved he is okay, the worry is now replaced with anger, bubbling and boiling in the pits of his abdomen.

 

_What the hell is he doing with a girl?_

He probably wouldn’t be this upset about it if it wasn’t for the fact that just yesterday Jeonghan had told him that he couldn’t see him because of his marriage. And now he finds out that on that same night Jeonghan has slept with a random girl?

 

Is Jeonghan really just creeped out by Joshua? Is he scared? Joshua did try to make it seem he is happy just being friends. Which he is. As long as Jeonghan is happy. Which he is not. Is that it?  Does Jeonghan know that Joshua knows? Does he know Joshua is trying to save him? Does he not want to be saved?

 

“Joshua?” Jeonghan’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts and back to reality.

 

And all of a sudden, Joshua doesn’t know what to say. He knows very well what he wants to say. But he won’t.

 

“I’ve got to go, Jeonghan. Bye.”

 

 

 

 

Although near completely hopeless, Hansol is probably Joshua’s favorite student. He is nice, as well as a good conversationalist. Who knows why he keeps paying for guitar lessons when most of them consist mostly of the two of them just talking. Not that he’s complaining, though. Money is nice, too.

 

So when Hansol comes to his place that afternoon for his lesson, he is relieved. He needs someone to vent to, about various things, and he has a feeling Seungcheol won’t understand.

 

The lesson starts normally, with Joshua trying to position Hansol’s hands correctly on the instrument. His wrist is crooked around the guitar neck and he strums way too hard. The chords are all mixed up, with the C lacking a finger, and A and G getting confused every time. It’s not long before they decide to call it a day and just chat instead, like they usually do.

 

Joshua makes them each a cup of coffee, with cream and sugar for himself, just sugar for Hansol. They settle on the sofa, coffee cups in hand, and Hansol starts talking straight away. Joshua sits in silence and listens. Well, he tries to. His mind is so occupied with his own situation it’s a miracle he managed to keep his head straight the past hours with his other students.

 

“How ‘bout you, Josh? What’s up with you?” Joshua snaps back to reality when Hansol says his name. He assumes Hansol is done talking about how he’s doing and he rejoices. Although he really likes Hansol and finds his stories interesting, he is itching to speak about everything _he’s_ feeling.

 

“Okay, so here’s the deal. There’s this guy, right?” For some reason he expects Hansol to somehow know exactly who he’s talking about, but of course he doesn’t. “And he is just so… Amazing. I’ve only met him thrice by now, but I swear, Hansol, he is the one.”

 

Hansol’s reaction, like he expected, is way different from Seungcheol’s. Where Seungcheol was creeped out and skeptical, Hansol looks to be totally up to speed with Joshua. His eyes are glittering, and his teeth are exposed in a beaming smile.

 

“That’s great, Josh!” Hansol tells him, and he sounds genuinely excited for Joshua. His confidence in his project boosts immediately.

 

“Right! The only problem is… he’s kind of married.”

 

Hansol’s smile drops instantly. He leans back on the sofa, away from Joshua, and a deep frown takes over his face. His lips purse and his brows furrow as he exhales and closes his eyes.

 

“Josh…” Hansol starts, but Joshua cuts him off before he can say more.

 

“It’s not like you think, Hansol! It’s not a good marriage, like, at all. It’s so obvious he wants out. I’m just… trying to help him,” Joshua explains, looking pleadingly at Hansol. He needs Hansol to understand, needs someone on his side.

 

Hansol’s expression changes, to a more worried one. “A bad marriage? Like, an abusive one?”

 

“Yes! No. I don’t know,” he says, and Hansol looks more and more confused. “I don’t really know if it’s abusive, but I know it’s not good. I just want him to be happy.”

 

He looks down on his hands, resting on his lap. He can only hope that Hansol understands how he’s feeling, that he sympathizes with him.

 

When he looks up at Hansol again, the younger’s expression has once again changed, this time into an understanding half smile.

 

_He gets it._

“Look, Josh, I know what it’s like to be in love. I know how you feel. However, if you’re looking for some advice, I would say… Don’t do something before you know the entire story, okay?” Hansol places a hand on Joshua’s shoulder, and even though it’s not _exactly_ what he wants to hear, Joshua is glad someone understands.

 

 

 

 

The next morning, Joshua wants to call Jeonghan again. But he doesn’t. Because it’s way too soon. Because he met Jeonghan literally two days ago. He doesn’t want Jeonghan to think he’s obsessed, or something.

 

At the same time, he really wants to hear Jeonghan’s voice.

 

_I will._

 

 

 

 

 

What is he doing.

 

_The right thing._

 

It’s cold.

 

_A small sacrifice._

 

He huffs at his own thoughts. A cloud of white breath appears in the cold air, and disappears at once. The sun went down hours ago, so the only thing he has to warm himself is his coat and fingerless gloves. Who ever thought fingerless gloves was a good idea, anyway?

 

Another hit of wind blows past him, and he is quick to pull up the hood of his coat over his head. He presses himself closer to the building behind him, for some reason hoping it will cover him in any way.

 

He pulls out his phone to check the time. 18:46. Just about thirty minutes since he decided to go to Jeonghan’s place. He is slightly worried that it is too soon, that him coming here will weird Jeonghan out. It is only yesterday that he called Jeonghan, after all. And even though _he_ couldn’t stop thinking about the other all night and all day, that doesn’t mean it’s the same for Jeonghan.

 

_Don’t be stupid. He needs me. He wants me. He said so._

He had found Jeonghan’s address on the internet, so he isn’t totally sure if he should trust he is in the right place. His doubt is only made stronger when another five minutes pass and Jeonghan still hasn’t showed up. He wouldn’t mind waiting if it wasn’t for the fact that he has currently lost feeling in all his toes. Luckily, it’s a nice neighborhood. The only thing that could have possibly made the night worse would have been if he would have to be worried about getting mugged.

 

Another minute passes, and Joshua starts to wonder if this really is a good idea. Jeonghan might not even live here, he might be freezing his ass off for nothing. It’s not even snowing. How annoying.

 

However, as he exhales for the nth time and looks around once more before going home, he spots something. A body, a dark silhouette down the road. And he knows who it is.

 

_It’s him. I knew it._

As Jeonghan walks closer to him, Joshua can’t stop the smile creeping up on his face. It’s just something about Jeonghan that makes him feel so nice, so _glad_.

 

Jeonghan finally looks up when they’re just a couple of meters away from each other. Confusion paints his features, eyes wide and brows high. His cheeks are flushed deliciously pink and his body is enveloped in a coat that is way too big to look good on anyone, but somehow, it makes Jeonghan’s face look extra tiny and absolutely adorable.

 

“Joshua?” Jeonghan greets him, as he looks around him nervously. “What are you doing here?”

 

_I wanted to see you._

“I was just passing by. My friend lives that way,” He points the direction opposite to the one Jeonghan comes from and flashes his best smile. Jeonghan doesn’t quite look like he believes him, and a tiny alarm sounds in Joshua’s head, but he keeps the smile. And sure enough, soon Jeonghan’s expression of disbelief melts into a soft grin.

 

Neither of them know what to say after that, and Joshua just stands and looks up at Jeonghan’s face.

 

_Say something, you idiot!_

 

Jeonghan clears his throat and points to the apartment building they’re standing by. “Do you want to come inside? I have coffee.”

 

Jeonghan sounds hesitant, like he is asking out of courtesy. It makes Joshua feel slightly worried for a second, but he shakes it off. They only met two days ago, of course Jeonghan is cautious.

 

“Yeah, I would love to!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boring chapter, I know...
> 
> I just really needed to get this out of my system, but I promise next chapter will be better! Not really, though, I can't promise it will be better, but I promise I will try super hard to make it better.
> 
> Thank you~


	4. Fail

Jeonghan’s house is not at all like how he imagined it. Instead of the bright, modern place Joshua would expect someone like Jeonghan to live in, his apartment is rather dingy. It’s small, smaller than Joshua’s, and somewhat damp. Which is even more surprising, on account of the weather. It takes a few seconds for the light to come on from when Jeonghan flips the switch, and it flickers before illuminating the hallway.

                                                 

The hallway leads straight into a living room, dark and cluttered. Joshua takes a moment to look around as Jeonghan works on taking his shoes off. He wants to help him, but decides that would be maybe a little too weird. Instead, he takes in as much of the room as he can in the limited lighting. Central in the room is a couch, small and probably once black, but now a tired grey. The entire room looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in months, clothes and books everywhere, as well as empty containers of food.

 

_He shouldn’t be living like this._

 

Joshua suddenly feels so bad, because Jeonghan _shouldn’t be living like this_. He should be living in a giant mansion, with walls covered in gold and a pool in the backyard. Or Joshua’s place. That could work too.

 

Jeonghan walks past him to turn on a light in the corner, which helps little in lighting the room further, before disappearing into what Joshua assumes is the kitchen. When Joshua follows him there, Jeonghan has already put a kettle on the stove and is focusing on spooning instant coffee into cups.

 

“Do you play?” Joshua asks in an attempt to start a conversation, nodding toward an acoustic guitar leaning against one of the walls of the living room.

 

Jeonghan looks up, slightly confused before seeing what Joshua is referring to, and his lips form an ‘o’-shape.

 

“No, I don’t. It’s my husband’s.”

 

Joshua doesn’t miss the uncomfortable look that takes over Jeonghan’s face as he mentions his husband.

 

“Is he any good?”

 

Jeonghan snorts, and turns his attention back to the coffee. “Not at all.”

 

Well, that’s one more thing Joshua has over The Husband. Besides everything else, naturally.

 

“So… Your husband’s not home?” Joshua asks, and Jeonghan shakes his head, shoulders relaxed and face calm.

 

“He’s at a friend’s. I was there, too, but I went home a little early.”

 

“Why?” Jeonghan looks at him weirdly, but Joshua doesn’t care if he’s out of line. He needs to make sure Jeonghan is okay, and the only way to do that is to know that _he_ _is okay_.

 

For a minute, the kitchen is silent, nothing to be heard but the summing from the water boiler. Joshua stubbornly keeps eye contact, refusing to let Jeonghan’s sight escape.

  

Jeonghan looks away, briefly, before biting his lip and meeting Joshua’s gaze. “It’s late. You should probably go.”

 

His tone of voice is much lower now.

 

“Jeonghan,” He steps closer and reaches out a hand to rest on the other’s shoulder. “If something is… wrong, you should tell me.”

 

“Why?” Jeonghan mimics him, taking a step back. “I barely know you.”

 

In one way, Joshua thinks, he is correct. This is only the fifth time they’ve spoken together, the fourth they have actually seen each other. There are a lot of thing he doesn’t know about Jeonghan, like his interests, his work, his family. There are a lot of thing Jeonghan doesn’t know about _him_. But in another way, those things don’t really matter. It doesn’t really matter that he doesn’t know Jeonghan’s mother’s name, the school he attended or what his favorite color is. What matters is that he _knows_ Jeonghan. Knows him in a way that cannot be achieved by shallow conversations and twenty questions. He knows what Jeonghan _needs_. What he _wants_. What he _deserves_.

 

“I can help you. I can give you what you need.”

 

Jeonghan shakes his head. “What makes you think I don’t already have what I need?”

 

_Oh, please._

 

Jeonghan reacts immediately when he kisses him. Hands grasping on Joshua’s hips and lips moving languidly against Joshua’s own. The younger doesn’t hesitate a second before pressing Jeonghan further against the counter, hands moving from cupping his cheeks to holding his waist firmly.

 

The kiss is so amazing, so good, and Joshua nearly forgets to savor the moment. He feels like his brain has left his body, has left all responsibility to his body and instincts.

 

He quickly returns to reality, though, when Jeonghan lets out a soft and slow _whine_ and reaches a hand up to grapple on the back of his neck. Only then does he realize he already has a hand under the other’s shirt, stroking tenderly on his ribs. Jeonghan’s skin is so soft, so warm and hard from the firm muscle underneath.

 

Joshua has never been as gentle as he is as he lays Jeonghan down on a ragged old mattress in the dim light of cheap light bulbs, as he kisses his entire body tenderly from head to toe, as he touches every single inch of his skin. It’s so wonderful, so amazing how everything in the world, every concern and every fright disappears this night. And, to Joshua, it is finally apparent that Jeonghan knows him as well.

 

 

 

Jeonghan shakes him awake at 1:40, as the alarm clock on the nightstand tells him.

 

“You need to leave,” Jeonghan hisses at him. “ _Now!”_

 

Still barely awake, Joshua just blinks, dazed. “Why?”

 

Jeonghan shushes him, eyebrows furrowed together. “My husband is home. I told him to take a shower, so you have like five minutes. Go!”

 

Joshua’s eyes fly open and his brain is working at full speed. He can hear the faint sounds of a shower in the background. Jeonghan is running around the room, collecting all of Joshua’s clothes and chucks them at him.

 

Just when he has buttoned his jeans and pulled on his socks, he pauses.

 

Jeonghan is telling him to leave. Jeonghan is telling him to leave. _Jeonghan is telling him to leave._

 

_Leave._

_  
_

_No._

  

He won’t leave. He can’t. If there is ever a time he needs to step up and do what he has set out to do, this is it. He’s at Jeonghan’s place, Jeonghan’s husband is in the shower, the opportunity is right there, in front of him. The opportunity to do what he must. What’s right.

 

“What are you doing? Hurry up!” Jeonghan is a hair away from shouting, and looks nothing short of terrified.

 

Joshua steps closer, and tries to sound as comforting as possible. “It’s okay. I’m going to help you.”

 

“What are you talking about?!”

  

Joshua tries to explain, tries to assure Jeonghan that he knows how to help him, knows what’s best. Jeonghan won’t let him, though. He forgets about Joshua’s shirt and instead pushes him through the bedroom door and the living room. The lights are still on and they burn Joshua’s eyes. And through being escorted toward the hallway, he doesn’t stop talking. His sentences barely make sense, are basically just him trying _so hard_ to have Jeonghan let him do as he must, but not managing to stich the words together right. Joshua has never been especially good with words, but it has never been this bad.

 

When they reach the hallway, Jeonghan doesn’t wait for him to put on his coat and shoes. He merely throws them at him, much like he did with his other clothes earlier, and opens the door before pushing him out. Jeonghan is strong, stronger than Joshua, and it shows as the younger falls down on the floor outside his apartment.

 

_Failed._

 

He is lying on the floor, shirtless and with one side of his face pressed down into the dirty carpet, immobile. Jeonghan slams the door shut with way too much force, and he flinches at the sound. He can honestly say he did not expect this. Jeonghan throwing him out, so obviously rejecting his help. It’s understandable, he supposes. That he would be scared.

 

So, Joshua decides, he will keep trying. This is a work in progress, after all. It will take time. Time he is willing to spend. Because it’s worth it. It’s all worth it, everything in the _world_ is worth it, as long as it will make Jeonghan happy. Jeonghan will be happy, no matter what it takes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> Please leave a comment and tell me what I need to work on, or just what you think about the story (so far) 
> 
> :)


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